The Guilt of Saying No: Learning To Set Boundaries
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Time to read 7 min
For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with saying no. Not because I wanted to be liked—but because I’ve always been a giver, to a fault.
Helping others brings me joy. If someone is in need, I feel a deep, automatic pull to step in. But over time, I’ve learned a hard truth: not everyone deserves your help.
I’ve given to those who had already shown me their true colors, still offering them chance after chance. I’ve looked the other way more times than I can count, draining myself emotionally, mentally, and physically just to keep others happy.
What I didn’t realize was that this wasn’t just unhealthy—it was self-destructive.
“Kindness should never come at the cost of losing yourself”
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Why Setting Boundaries Matters
If you’re someone who leads with your heart, setting boundaries can feel selfish or harsh. But it’s not. Boundaries are a form of self-care and self-respect. They protect your energy. They nurture your mental health. And they teach others how to treat you. Every time you say yes to something that drains you, you’re sending the message to yourself that your needs don’t matter. But they do. You deserve to feel safe, heard, and valued—not just by others, but by yourself. Honoring your own limits is not only healthy—it’s powerful.
Lessons I Learned About Setting Boundaries
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NOT EVERYONE DESERVES YOUR ENERGY:
This one hit hard. Just because you have a giving heart doesn’t mean you’re required to give it to everyone—especially those who only show up when they need something -
SAYING NO IS SELF-CARE, NOT SELFISH:
I used to carry guilt with every “no.” But now I see it as a necessary tool for my well-being. You can care deeply for others and still prioritize your own needs. -
BOUNDARIES TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU:
People don’t automatically know your limits. You have to show them. And if someone gets upset because you drew a line? That’s not someone who respected you to begin with.
- YOU CAN STILL BE KIND AND HAVE LIMITS:
“I will give you the shirt off my back—but not if you’ve already proven you’d never offer yours”
You can be generous, loving, and kind—and still protect your peace.
TEACHING MY DAUGHTERS THE POWER OF BOUNDARIES
One of my biggest motivations for doing this inner work is my daughters. I want them to know that kindness is a strength—but it should never be taken advantage of. I want them to understand that their needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. And that they don’t have to be everything for everyone. They deserve to feel empowered when they say no, to trust their gut, and to set boundaries without guilt or fear. I want them to grow up knowing that self-respect is not selfish—it’s necessary.
“Lead with love but love yourself first ”
By living this truth myself, I’m showing them that boundaries are not walls—they’re bridges to healthier relationships and self-respect.
SIGNS YOU MIGHT NEED STRONGER BOUNDARIES
If you’re not sure whether your boundaries are working for you, here are a few signs I’ve experienced myself (and maybe you have too):
You constantly feel drained after interacting with certain people
You say yes when you really want to say no
You replay conversations in your head, wishing you spoke up
You feel resentful, but keep quiet to “keep the peace”
You feel guilty when you take time for yourself
You avoid conflict, even if it means betraying your own needs
You’re always the go-to person for others, but feel like no one checks on you
If even a couple of these hit home—just know, you’re not alone. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward change. And change doesn’t have to be loud or dramatic... it can start with a single “no.”
PRATICAL TIPS TO START SETTING BOUNDARIES
If you’re just starting this journey, here are a few things that have helped me:
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PAUSE BEFORE SAYING YES
Ask yourself: Am I doing this out of guilt or out of genuine desire? BE CLEAR AND DIRECT
If someone consistently pushes your limits, have a respectful conversation about what you are (and aren’t) okay with.RELEASE THE GUILT
You are not selfish for saying no. You’re brave. You’re choosing yourself.FIND YOUR CIRCLE
Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth.
A HEALTHIER HAPPIER LIFE STARTS WITH ONE WORD: NO
I’m still learning. Still growing. But each time I say no from a place of self-love, I feel stronger. Each time I protect my peace, I feel more aligned. If this is something you struggle with too, I hope you remember this:
“You can still be soft and say no still be giving and set limits still be kind and protect your peace”
You deserve the same love, care, and energy you so freely give to others. Never forget that.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Kindness should never come at the cost of losing yourself.
You can be a generous, loving person and still set firm boundaries.
Not everyone deserves your energy— protect your peace.
It’s okay to walk away from one-sided relationships.
Teaching your children about boundaries starts with modeling them yourself.
You can still be kind, giving, and supportive— without sacrificing your well-being.
YOUR TURN
This space isn’t just mine—it’s ours.
If anything in this blog hit home for you, scroll down and share your thoughts in the comments. You never know who you might encourage just by speaking up.
The Author
Hey there! Im Adrianna, mom of three, foster parent, and the creator of Wilde and Untamed. After my daughter’s cancer diagnosis flipped our world upside down, I found healing through creating. Now, I share my journey to remind others they’re not alone—and that even in the darkest seasons, there’s still light to be found.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Why do I always feel so guilty when I say no?
Honestly, same. For the longest time, saying no felt like I was letting someone down—even when I was the one running on empty. I’ve learned that guilt doesn’t always mean you’re doing something wrong... sometimes it just means you’re doing something new.
I personally think it’s a sign that you have a really big heart. Maybe it’s rooted in some unhealed trauma—like a defense mechanism you picked up along the way to keep the peace or avoid conflict. That guilt isn’t who you are—it’s just something you’ve carried. And you don’t have to carry it forever.
What if someone gets mad when I set a boundary?
Ohhh, this used to wreck me. I hated upsetting people, even if I knew I was doing the right thing for myself. But here’s what I’ve learned (the hard way): if someone gets mad at you for having boundaries, that says a lot more about them than it does about you.
I used to take their reaction personally, like I was doing something wrong. But now I see it as part of the process. You’re changing—and not everyone will like it. That’s okay. You’re not responsible for keeping other people comfortable at the expense of your own well-being.
How do I set boundaries without feeling like a total jerk?
This one still gets me sometimes. I was the queen of over-explaining and trying to make my no sound “nicer.” But I’ve come to realize that being clear is not the same as being cold. You can speak your truth with love. You don’t have to be mean, but you do have to be honest.
And if you feel like a jerk? That might just be that old conditioning flaring up—especially if you were taught to people-please to stay safe or accepted. That feeling doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. It just means you’re healing.
What helped you stop saying yes to everything?
Truth? Hitting rock bottom emotionally. I gave and gave until I was completely empty. That was my wake-up call. Now, I check in with myself before committing to anything. I ask: “Am I doing this out of love or out of guilt?” If it’s guilt, I’ve learned to sit with it and still say no. And I'll be honest, I slip up, no one is perfect and change doesn't happen overnight. It's tough training your mind to say no when you've always said yes to everything.
Sometimes that guilt still whispers, but I remind myself: saying yes to everything isn’t sustainable. And the people who love me won’t love me less for needing space.
How do you talk to your kids about boundaries?
I try to model it in real time. If I need a break or say no to something, I talk to them about it honestly—like, “Mama’s feeling really overwhelmed right now, and it’s okay to take a break.” I want them to see that rest is not weakness, and that saying no doesn’t make you mean—it makes you human. And I'd be lying if I said teaching my kids "no" after spending all this time being a "yes mom" is easy for them because its far from easy
I’m still unlearning a lot of things I picked up as a kid, and I want better for them. I want them to know it’s safe to speak up, to have needs, and to protect their peace—because that’s what I’m learning to do, too.
READY TO PROTECT YOUR PEACE AND STAND IN YOUR POWER?
Your mental health matters—and so does your voice. Whether you're learning to say no or healing from burnout, our Mental Health Collection is here to remind you that self-love isn’t selfish. It’s essential.
